Mid-life crisis
by Cats070911
Summary: Barbara is feeling old and alone but when Tommy offers love she mistakes his intentions. As events unfold to throw her life in chaos will she have a second chance?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** all usual disclaimers apply. For all of you who ever think about having a mid-life crisis.

* * *

Tommy Lynley did not need to be the Met's most brilliant Detective Inspector to see that his sergeant was miserable. She had been grouchy and snappy all week so in desperation he had taken her to their 'serious pub' for a chat after they finished up on Friday. The Lord of the Isles was a traditional establishment dominated by wood panelling, gleaming brass and strong beer. Over the years it was where they had gravitated when one or other had something serious on their mind that they wanted to share.

Barbara had not opened up to him as they had eaten their fish and chips so after their third pint Tommy took a calming breath then tried to sound supportive but not intense. "Cheer up Havers. Whatever is bothering you can't be that bad. You do know I'm here for you to talk, or help?"

She looked at him over the rim of her glass. She had downed the pints too quickly for his liking and looked as if she might bite his head clean off his shoulders. "I'm trying to decide between getting a tattoo, dying my hair blue or having some intimate body piercing."

Tommy choked on his beer. He struggled to breathe in a coughing fit that had turned his face crimson. He tried to focus - breath in through the nose, out through the mouth. _Intimate body piercing!_

Barbara jumped up and started to pat and rub his back. It was pleasant in a totally unhelpful way. When his breathing did not calm she began to give him a series of blows designed to make him suck air into his lungs but in reality only made his back ache. He waved his hands to insist she stop. Slowly he regained control of his breathing and his coughing died to a hoarse attempt to clear his throat.

"Was that no to intimate piercings?" she asked cheekily with the first smile she had given him all week.

"You caught me somewhat unawares with that one I admit," he said in a strained voice, "I presume you are joking but may I ask what has led to contemplation of such drastic steps? Something's troubling you Barbara."

She sighed. "It sounds silly but my hairdresser found a few grey hairs last Saturday when I had my hair cut. It made me realise I'm getting old. I'll be forty in a few months and what do I have to show for my life? No partner, no kids, no real friends, a mortgage that I'll still be paying when I start drawing the pension and I can't even keep a cat because of the weird hours at work."

"Do you want a cat?"

"No, but that's not the point! I just don't know what my purpose is in life. I feel like I'm just floating along wasting it all. I'll end up a lonely bitter woman in a home looking back on a life filled with criminals."

"Your life is not a waste. Our work is important to keep the community safe and retain confidence in law and order. You're a wonderful detective with a very different viewpoint. You understand human nature better than most which is why you're invaluable to me and the Met. Different people live different lives. You don't need to tick off a checklist. There is no checklist of success. It's what's in your heart that counts."

"Exactly. Nice speech but I feel like I've wasted my life - outside of work."

"Well by your scoresheet then I must be a champion loser. Over forty, no relationship, a failed marriage, no offspring, friends who only like me for my money, seventeen years of isolation from my Mother and a strained relationship now, a drug-addicted brother who barely speaks to me etc etc. Yep I win."

"Don't be stupid Sir. You're an Earl, a brilliant detective, you have Simon as a friend, and me, and your marriage wasn't a failure. It was cut tragically short."

"Hmm, it would have failed Barbara but let's not talk about that. What do you want to do with your life?"

"I don't know. I just want to feel noticed and needed I guess. I have visions of dying and not having a funeral because no one would be there to care. What do they call this? A mid-life crisis? I just want to feel I've meant something to the world or someone in it."

"And intimate piercings would help that how?" he smirked.

Barbara shook her head as if trying not to smile. "Just to make me feel like I'm not boring old Havers for a day or two!"

Tommy reached across the table and took her hand. She looked up at him as he had intended. "Barbara you are never boring and I would be there because I care and I would miss you terribly. Remember that night I came to your flat?" Barbara nodded. "I went to you because there was no one else in the world I could ever say what I needed to say without them judging me. I asked you how you did it; how you lived alone and seemed content. Remember what you said?"

Tommy saw the tears well in her eyes. "That I was used to it and that you find something else, another reason to get up in the morning."

"Remember what I said?"

Barbara looked at him with that same fondness that she had then and a small smile curled her mouth. Tommy's insides tightened just as they had that night. "We both do."

"That hasn't changed Barbara," he said softly. That night he had been so tempted to reach out for her and kiss her but he had known it would have undermined a deeper connection. He had not been able to give her everything then and love her the way she deserved to loved. Tonight he was free of the complications and restrictions that had troubled him then. He brought her hand up and kissed it softly. "Let me take you home."

Barbara seemed nervous as she sat in Tommy's car. He was anxious too, unsure what his intentions had been when he had asked to take her home. He could not honestly say if he had meant Chalk Farm or Belgravia. He decided to drive to her place. As he turned that way he glanced across to see Barbara relax slightly. He could drop her out the front as he often did or he could go in for a nightcap, something that was also not unusual. It did not mean he had to stay.

He locked his car and followed her up the path to her flat. Wordlessly they went inside and as usual she began to surreptitiously throw items of drying clothing behind her furniture. She smiled as he watched her and he grinned back. He walked over and put his hand on her arm then pulled her into a hug. She put her cheek on his chest and he felt her take a deep breath as she put her arms around him. He softly kissed the top of her head then held her tightly. Cradling her and feeling her hold him just as ardently was comforting on a level far deeper than he had expected. He wanted to love her the way she deserved. She looked up and he watched her eyes for an invitation to kiss her. Instead there was uncertainty and fear. She straightened up and pulled away from him. The moment was lost. "Thanks Sir, for being a good friend."

He sighed knowing that she was not ready to let him in behind the last layers of her well-constructed defences. _I could be so much more Barbara if you let me!_ "Always Barbara. I'll always be your friend. Well I had better go. I'll ring you tomorrow. Maybe we could go to dinner?"

As they walked to the door Barbara seemed to be debating something with herself. "Yeah, I'd like that. There's a new place in Camden I'd like to try."

Tommy grinned at her. "Right, well I'll ring you around noon. Goodnight Barbara." He leant down and kissed her lightly on her cheek before going to his car. As he unlocked it he looked up and waved. Barbara waved and for a moment he thought she was about to call him back. He drove away looking in his rearview mirror at her standing on the kerb watching him.

* * *

Barbara regretted rebuffing her boss as soon as he was drove away. The loneliness was a heavy price to pay for pride but she had not wanted his sympathy. She longed to have his lips on hers and his arms around her, although she could not think beyond that without excruciating embarrassment. She wanted that too but on equal terms where he wanted her for who she was and not as an act of charity. She sensed he had been prepared to sleep with her to boost her self-esteem and make her feel wanted. It made her feel warm and fuzzy that he valued her enough to make that sacrifice but Barbara wanted to feel loved as a woman not as a good friend who needed a boost.

She shuffled slowly back into her lounge room and poured a drink that she downed quickly. She poured a second and began to pick up her discarded washing before heading for her shower. As the steaming water ran over her body she was pleased she had agreed to see Tommy tomorrow. She wanted company and she always enjoyed it when he took her out. It had been quiet at work in the last two weeks and yet they had still had a pint together most evenings and had eaten a few meals in nice but moderate restaurants, ostensibly so neither of them had to cook. If she was not as astute she could almost think they had been dating. She smiled at the thought and filed it away. He was her friend, her mate, not her lover.

Barbara had another drink. There was a screech of brakes and the roar of a car as it tore down the main street nearby, well over the legal limit. Hoons had been stealing cars in the area lately and terrorising the neighbourhood with their burnouts and skylarking. She turned the stereo on and closed her eyes. In the distance she could hear sirens and hoped that the hoons had been arrested.

She was half-dozing but thinking of Tommy, floating pleasantly just above reality but below stupidity so when her phone rang it took her a few moments to remember to answer it. "Havers."

"Sergeant Havers it's Assistant Commissioner Hillier." Beyond that she only heard a few words "disturbing news about Lynley", "fatal road accident", "Lynley's car was T-boned by joyriders" "looks like he was going to your flat" and "sending someone around now."

Barbara said nothing. She could not listen to more and pressed 'end'. She sank onto her bed and her universe imploded. If she had just let him stay he would have been safe. Her pride had killed the only man in the world she had ever loved and the only person who had understood her.

Suddenly it dawned on her - the noises she had heard were the accident. She slipped a coat over her flannette Lion King pyjamas, grabbed her warrant card and phone and shoved them in the pocket then pulled on her joggers. She slammed the front door and ran towards the sirens. She would have sold her soul to have the last hour back.


	2. Chapter 2

As he drove away Tommy thought more about Barbara's reaction. It had puzzled him at first because her eyes at the pub had told him she loved him, something confirmed by the way she had held him. Then he cursed himself for his stupidity. Barbara did not understand that he loved her. With her ridiculous class warfare views she needed more than meaningful looks to believe that. He had tried to infer it but Tommy could imagine what she must have thought when a man with his reputation made advances. Barbara had once uncharitably referred to one of his one-night stands as a 'charity shag'. _Is that what she thought I was doing?_

He pulled over to the side of the road to think. He had to settle this tonight before she convinced herself he was only trying to make her feel better. He made a u-turn and hurried back towards her flat, running through what he would say when he knocked on her door. _Maybe I should just sweep her into my arms and kiss her!_

He sensed rather than heard the car approaching. The light had been green but there was a blast on a horn as he crossed the intersection. There was a squeal of brakes and a crunch of metal at his shoulder before his car began to spin and roll end over end. "Barbara," he screamed before he hit his head on the door frame and everything went black.

* * *

As she ran Barbara thought about his old car. It always smelt of warm leather and his woody aftershave. She loved that car almost as much as he did but she would never have admitted it. He hated it being touched or scratched so he would have been devastated to know it had been ruined in an accident. Barbara swore and wondered why she was worried about a damned car when...she was avoiding thinking about him lying twisted and broken.

She saw the flashing blue and green lights ahead. Police had already cordoned off the scene but a ghoulish crowd had gathered to see what horrors they could later say they had witnessed. She briefly glimpsed his car lying forlornly on its roof like a beetle that had lost the fight to turn over. A large indentation near the driver's door was smudged with black paint from the impact. There was nobody around the car and no sheet at the window. Tommy's body must have been removed already. A smaller black sports car was beside it. Its front had concertinaed almost back to the rear seat. She knew that the driver could not have survived.

"DS Havers CID," she hissed at a pimply-faced constable as she flashed her warrant card and pushed her way under the police tape. "How many dead? Who's in charge?"

"Two sergeant and they are trying to cut a third from the sports car. Inspector Hodge is in charge. Over there by the ambulance."

Barbara skirted around the cars having the presence of mind not to contaminate the scene. Two black sheets lay ominously on the road. Barbara let out a mewling cry but held herself back from running over and lifting them to find Tommy. She turned back towards the ambulance when she saw a figure sitting forlornly on the kerb wrapped in a silver space blanket and breathing oxygen. An unruly lock of dark hair flopped over the man's left eye. "Tommy!" she yelled as tears streamed down her face. Perhaps she had been crying all along.

He looked up as she ran over. He tried to pull off his mask but the paramedic forced it back over his nose and mouth before turning to Barbara, "and you are?"

Barbara flashed her warrant card. "DS Barbara Havers, Inspector Lynley's partner."

The man smiled. "Good he's been asking for you. He has blurry vision and mild concussion and when the adrenaline wears off he'll have one hell of a headache. He's in shock too so the shivering is normal. Apart from a few cuts and bruises we can't find any injuries. It's lucky he was driving that old car. It must be built like a tank. Sit with him if you like. We'll take him to hospital soon."

"Thank you," Barbara said gratefully as the paramedic moved discreetly away.

She lowered herself to the kerb next to Tommy who had not taken his eyes off her since she had called his name. "I'm sorry Sir, this is all my fault."

Tommy shook his head. "Mine," he croaked, "I was coming back."

"I heard the crash but thought you were well away. When Hillier rang, I...I thought you were dead. I ran here. I don't even know why but I had to see for myself. I wanted so desperately to take back that last hour. I should have asked you to stay."

Tommy grinned at her. "I wish you had."

"Are you okay?" He was pale and shivery and looked like he was struggling to breathe. Despite the reassurances of the paramedic Barbara was worried.

"It wasn't my fault," he said quietly, "they were speeding and ran a red light but they died Barbara. I saw the look on the driver's face. He knew he would die. "

"You can't blame yourself Sir."

"Every time I close my eyes I can see him; see how scared he was. I think he thought I'd die too. He looked apologetic. I should be lying there beside him. I should be dead Barbara."

"It wasn't your time Sir. Your old car looked after you when you needed her."

"My car... she looks so sad."

"Better to lose her than your life. I'll miss it but I don't know how I would have coped without you," she said earnestly then added a quiet, "if I would have coped." Barbara took his hand and held it. He squeezed it painfully but she did not complain. She was so relieved he was alive.

They sat silently until the paramedics returned and lifted Tommy onto a gurney and into the ambulance. Barbara looked on feeling helpless.

"You can escort him ma'am if you'd like."

They were at the hospital for over eight hours. Tommy had scans to check there were no hidden internal injuries and was then kept in Emergency for observation. Barbara had called his mother and reassured her Tommy was fine and would ring her tomorrow. His mother asked a thousand questions and wanted to come to London. "Why don't you discuss it with him tomorrow before you come all this way?" she suggested diplomatically. She eventually escaped the call, glad that his mother had acquiesced.

Hillier called in when Tommy was having x-rays and engaged Barbara in nervous conversation. He kept staring at her orange and green pyjamas. "Lion King. I ran straight over when you rang Sir," she explained, "I didn't have time to change."

"You hung up before I could tell Lynley seemed fine."

"Perhaps next time Sir you could phrase it as 'Inspector Lynley is fine but he was involved in a fatal accident'. Then I might not have panicked."

"You're right Barbara, I'm sorry. I know how close you two are."

Barbara did a double-take. Hillier had apologised AND called her by her given name. "Yeah, we are." _And this would never have happened if I'd allowed him to be closer._

Tommy insisted on being discharged as soon as the legal minimum retention time expired but the doctors would only permit it if he was signed into the care of a responsible adult for twenty-four hours. He looked over and grinned at Barbara. "Apart from the pyjamas Sergeant Havers is an adult."

Tommy was sore and was thankful to be taken by wheelchair to the cab. He had not realised how nervous he was until the cab started to move. Barbara must have sensed it and had taken his hand. He nodded appreciatively and held it until they pulled up at his house.

"I'd like a shower but I don't think I can stand. Could you help me upstairs to bed?"

Barbara took some of his weight as he slowly climbed the steps. He was aching all over but the doctors had told him it would pass soon. He fell gratefully onto his bed. Barbara removed his shoes and socks. "It's okay, I can manage," he said as she reached for his trousers. He might enjoy that later under other circumstances but not now.

"It's nearly six o'clock. Do you want breakfast?" she asked awkwardly. This was uncomfortable for both of them.

"A cup of tea would be nice." Tommy did not want tea but it would give him a chance to disrobe and put on his pyjamas. He would like a sleep and relief from his thumping head but he also wanted to talk.

When Barbara returned he was sitting in bed in a pair of navy silk pyjamas. "Thank you Barbara."

"My pleasure Sir. Can I get you anything else?"

He shook his head and they drank their tea in silence. Barbara was perched nervously on the very edge of his bed. "You should rest Sir. I'll sleep over there," she said pointing to the chaise lounge under the window, "in case you need me."

"What I need Barbara is for you to sleep in here with me," he said boldly patting the bed beside him. "I want to sleep with you in my arms so I know we are both safe." It was a gamble that he hoped would provoke the discussion they needed to have now.

"Sir, it's understandable that you feel out of sorts after your accident but..."

"Yes, I am 'out of sorts' but because I was a fool rather than the accident. I was driving back to your flat to tell you that I do notice you, very much as it happens, and I need you. So not only do you mean something to me, you mean everything to me. I should have said so when I had you in my arms but we don't always need words do we? But after I left you I thought about the fear and uncertainty in your eyes. You believed I was offering a service and only responding to your comments at the pub but I wasn't Barbara. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to stay. I wanted to make love to you but you didn't seem ready and I didn't want you to regret it or be upset. I left but as I drove I realised you didn't understand that I love you Barbara."

She stared at him. "You love me?"

"Yes! I thought you knew that ages ago. Besides I've been courting you for weeks."

"Have you?"

"Lunches, dinners. We have been going out more than just a drink after work. Oh Barbara I'm sorry. I thought you understood that our relationship was changing. I thought your mid-life crisis was because you were unsure where everything was heading but it really was about grey hairs wasn't it?"

She nodded. "It seemed natural going out with you. I never even thought..."

"Remember that night at your flat? We didn't use the word but we told each other then that this was much more than friendship didn't we? I had too much baggage, too many things to sort out, too much guilt and confusion. But knowing that one day we would both be free to act kept me afloat during some very rough times."

"I thought that night perhaps you felt something but then Helen came back and it all changed."

"I'm sorry Barbara. I know I've hurt you through my insecurities and stupidity but tonight when I thought I would die, the only thing I regretted was not telling you how I felt. The rest of my mistakes are just background noise."

"I...I don't know what to think. Tonight has been...too much."

"Don't think about anything except that moment you first thought I was dead. Then you'll know what you feel."

Barbara kicked off her shoes and slipped out of her coat. Tommy smiled lovingly as he lifted the duvet so she could lie beside him. She snuggled up to him and they both sighed. Their arms locked around the other and they hugged almost violently as if each were trying to merge with into other. Tommy's idea of sleeping peacefully in her arms was abandoned as soon as he looked in her eyes. There was no barrier, no uncertainty and no fear. Their lips met in a tentative kiss. He could feel her heart thumping against his chest. They were both nervous.

Tommy's lips were so much softer than hers and it surprised Barbara. She had never kissed someone beyond the closed-mouth touch of lips that was happening now. She wondered if she should tell him or just follow his lead. His lips were twitching and moving beneath hers as if trying to suck her top lip. She let him and mimicked him on his bottom lip. Instinct kicked in as she forgot about her fears and thought only about how good it felt to have Tommy kissing her. She was vaguely disappointed when a while later he stopped.

"Barbara, I'm sorry, as much as I want this my head is pounding and I'm too sore to make love to you the way I want to love you."

She smiled. "We can wait until you're better. I'm not going anywhere."

"Good neither am I." They snuggled down to sleep. "Barbara."

"Mmm?"

"I love you. I just thought you should know."

"I do. I love you too Tommy. Now go to sleep and get better so you can show me."

"I heal fast," he said cheekily, a point he proved to great delight a few hours later.


End file.
